Just some background info before my question… I’m 20, my husband is 21. We have a girl who is almost 2 and are expecting another girl in April. We are new to the Army life, new to marriage (we’ve been together for about 4 yrs total, married for 8 mos.) and this is our first duty station halfway across the country and away from both of our families. We spend a LOT of time together because he doesn’t have to work a whole lot in his job right now and I’m a stay at home mom.
Anyway…
I don’t know if it’s just because of the pregnancy (making me super hormonal sometimes). Or if I have a real reason to worry. Overall we have a great relationship. We don’t fight any more than most couples, I’d assume. I feel like sometimes he doesn’t really like me anymore? I know this is stupid but please keep reading and tell me if you feel like this sometimes, too. He plays Halo 3 a lot, which I don’t really mind as long as he keeps it within reason (not playing for hours on end when there are other things to do)
He’s a great dad and loves our daughter a lot, but puts all the responsibility on me, recently he’s been doing this more and more. We just talked about it yesterday and he said he didn’t realize that was happening. So I expected it to be better today. This is how today went:
I woke up after a horrible night of sleep to get our daughter. He chose to sleep in AGAIN after he willingly stayed up late last night.
I made her every meal today, and cleaned her off after, and gave her snacks.
I changed every diaper.
He played Halo all day and got up… twice? I think? Once to bring in the new baby’s dresser from outside for me. And the other time to go rent a movie for us.
We sat down to watch the movie, but instead of watching it he was on his computer the whole time. I feel like we have said 3 words to each other all day.
I cleaned the kitchen and picked up the living room right in front of him while he played Halo.
He put our daughter to bed tonight, only after I asked him to.
After that I came up here to watch tv (which I hate doing cause it’s boring and nothing’s on).
He’s downstairs playing Halo… still… and didn’t say anything to me. Not a "goodnight." Not a "where are you going?". Not a "what do you wanna do?" I just feel so alone here as it is. It’s freezing outside now and I don’t drive a lot or get out much.
He just got this XBOX 360 a couple weeks ago, and has had trouble before with addiction to online gaming. Is this just another video game addiction? Or is he tired of me? He’s not overworked and I’m not a nag. Sorry this is so long. I just feel so empty and I feel like my love and my feelings for him are unrequited sometimes.
Wow! This sounds like me with my ex a few years ago. He used to play video games alot too while I worked and he had recently got out of the military and moved in with me so he was getting used to the area, not having a job, no more military and his friends there….basically he was depressed. I truly feel that your husband loves you but is in a slump of his own. He sounds unsatisfied with his life to some extent and thats where the hours on end of video gaming comes in. I think LOTS of guys turn to this as a way to get away from their normal routine life.
You two are very young but live the life of those who are in their mid-30′s and up. Thats depressing for a man in his early 20′s. With an early marriage and children he is probably feeling the pressures of life most men face later in their years. Sounds like you really need to spice it up for him. Maybe not sexually or anything but something to break up the monotony. Do something completely different. Talk about your future dreams together or just in your own life and he can tell you about his dreams in his….make him feel that those dreams are still attainable and there is hope to get out of the slump. Otherwise it will get worse and will start to manifest in the way he feels about you and vice versa. Its ok. Most marriages go thru this period. It just takes a little perseverence and creativity.
Talk to him and let him know how he’s making you feel.
Get a hobby of your own, so you won’t feel so unfulfilled all the time. I know how it is, being a stay at home mom can be maddeningly monotonous, especially with a guy who thinks that his day ends when he gets off work.
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You are in trouble girl. You need to look him in the eye and ask him to be the man he needs to be. Sounds like you need to get up one morning and say.. babe… the house is your, take care of your daughter, I am heading out. I expect a clean house and fed kid when I get home.
Tough love girl. Rain down some Tough Love.
Oh.. and take the power cord for the 360 and destroy it.
He is being a little boy.
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Yes my marriage is like that. Except my husband works alot and likes to go to friends houses while I stay home doing mommy duty. I just get burned out so easily. Same thing every day. I ffeel useless and empty I feel like he doesn’t like me or would be happier some other way. At other times I feel completely confident with myself. I have a daughter and am pregnant with a son due in january. So yeah other people feel like that. Don’t let it get you down. Maybe you should find a way to get some you time.
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I have been married 4 years and we have the gaming systems and a computer and when we first got them I was the same way your husband is, I realized that i was becoming addicted to the games. we now set a time aside after the kids are in bed to play a game together or spend time enjoying each others company, so it isn’t you it is the xbox for your husband acting the way he is, do what my wife did she threatened to get rid of it all, or she was going to leave, if I did not spend more time with her and the kids, and I am glad I chose her and the kids and I am glad I did.
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Ahhh…typical man…or "boy"… My hubby is 33 and pretty much the same. Would do ANYTHING I asked him to but the key word is ASKED. Sleeps when he wants, pretty much the same arguement, I tell him all the time that it must be nice to not have a single household responsibility, I take care of the kids, the clothes, the house, the bills, etc and he just comes and goes as he pleases. I think its all just a matter of boys who need to grow up and learn how to be men. But I feel where you’re coming from. We have a 13 year old and a 2 year old and I always feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
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7 years of marriage and two kiddos later
he’s addicted to his game maybe you guys could try to set ground rules on time frames to play his game and family time sans the game, hide the cord once in a while, seek things to do on your own as well, I’m an at home mom and right now I don’t have a guy into games it’s movies but his entertain everyone so I go with it.
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i dont want to scare nor worry you but my marriage was like this and it got worse, it got to the point where my military husband never left his xbox 360 and when he did it was to play WOW online. he quit having anything with our daughter and a week ago we got in a fight and he told me he wanted a divorce. good luck but let me tell you those video games will ruin your relationship! good luck! i hope your husband straightens up!
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been there done that!
Be glad it is a game and not a another woman.
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You sound like me so many years ago, but instead of playing video games, my husband was out at the bars while I was home with the kids. I stayed with him, don’t know why, but I did. We’ve been married a long, long time and virtually the only thing we do together anymore is eat dinner a few times a week.
You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Start getting an education, if he’s military you can probably get it free. Maybe he’ll change but odds are what you see is what you get.
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Take it from me, it’s a very lonely lonely life, especially once your kids are grown and gone.
Military Life can be extremely hard hon. Trust me, I know. I am an Army Wife as well. I also have a daughter who is 3 and I live at Ft. Campbell.
Most of the time I feel like a single Mother because hubby is always working or deployed. Even when he is home, I sometimes feel I am alone.
Talking with your husband has made him aware of the situation. BOTH of you now need to work on a routine that includes you BOTH. He is used to the "She will take care of it mentality"…so yes, you may need to ask him to do alot of things at first. Then after awhile he will be used to it and know what he can do to help you. Throw the video games away for crying out loud. Or at least make sure he has limited time on it. He has responsiblities that he needs to take care of and games are not one of them.
I would sit down with him and basically agree to disagree. He will be responsible for outside work, garbage, car repairs etc. As well as little odds and ends around the house. He also needs to help with the kids too as he helped create them, not just you. He can be the one bathing them every night so you can get dishes done. Or have him play with them so you can get some laundry done. A comprimise.
I am sure things will work out. Just don’t expect a major improvement overnight. It will take some time and patience on both ends.
You can IM me if you want to chat. I know how you are feeling and have been in that situation too.
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Well I would not just take off and tell him today is your day. Your husband has gotten himself into a rut. Yes he is falling into the same addictive behavior. Let me tell you men are dumb. They have to be reminded to do things constantly. When you need help with your daughter you have to give her to him and say change her diaper or what ever. He needs to know he has to be more hands on because he will need to know everything when the new baby comes on board. You must continually tell him how you feel and how he must help you. Give him things to do daily. You sometimes have to kind of mother the husbands because they all have one track minds. Also be sure and tell him when he does things for you how much you appreciate the help. I really feel your relationship is ok communication just needs to be on going.
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This was my life years ago. We moved away to Colorado to be Army folk. Well shortly after we got there I got pregnant with #2. I didn’t work at first and then I took a job, mostly to have something else to do but the house! He did work alot, but never more hours much than a regular job. He actually works more now. It’s a combo of away from family and not really fitting into military life and the pressure of another kid. Seems like you do it all and they just play games for hours. My hubby had a PS2 that I stood in line in the snow overnight for. Look what it got me. I never had help with the toddler and I made all the meals and chores etc. Thing is it’s mostly just "this part of marriage". It’s the learning part and your current circumstances don’t really help. You can talk til you are blue in the face etc. Things will change when the baby comes. Try not doing something. Try picking up a hobby that annoys him. Craft or scrapbook or find something that is fun for you. Don’t worry if there is a mess on the table. Sometimes that gets the message across long before a talk does. I have been married now 12 years and we have 4 kids and it honestly took a process for both of us to get to even-kilt. At one point we’d be at stand-offs with dishes overflowing out of the sink. But never say a word. It’s a process and an ugly one, but pretty standard. I have seen my brother and his wife go through this and my husbands brother and his wife too. Be patient and work with it. Try to understand him and try to make him understand you. I have gone through huge waves in our 12 years but have come out good and happy.
I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!!
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Wow! This sounds like me with my ex a few years ago. He used to play video games alot too while I worked and he had recently got out of the military and moved in with me so he was getting used to the area, not having a job, no more military and his friends there….basically he was depressed. I truly feel that your husband loves you but is in a slump of his own. He sounds unsatisfied with his life to some extent and thats where the hours on end of video gaming comes in. I think LOTS of guys turn to this as a way to get away from their normal routine life.
You two are very young but live the life of those who are in their mid-30′s and up. Thats depressing for a man in his early 20′s. With an early marriage and children he is probably feeling the pressures of life most men face later in their years. Sounds like you really need to spice it up for him. Maybe not sexually or anything but something to break up the monotony. Do something completely different. Talk about your future dreams together or just in your own life and he can tell you about his dreams in his….make him feel that those dreams are still attainable and there is hope to get out of the slump. Otherwise it will get worse and will start to manifest in the way he feels about you and vice versa. Its ok. Most marriages go thru this period. It just takes a little perseverence and creativity.
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Been there done that.